McSweeney’s
Artikelen over McSweeney’s
I Hereby Resign as This Year’s Faculty Advisor for Our School’s Human Cloning Club
To Faculty and Parents, I am writing to let you know I can no longer serve as the faculty advisor for the Harrison High School Human Cloning Club. I am sick of developing cutting-edge cloning research, pushing the boundaries of biological possibilities, and dominating in the world of science when student interest has clearly waned.
My Campaign Promises
I’m running. I will do it better. I will create wilder expectations, deliver fewer results, and scapegoat even more. I will raise plausible deniability to record highs. I will say even less with more words. I will make knowing what I actually think, stand for, or am joking about more impossible. I will stage my downfall more theatrically, raise more questions, and answer even fewer. I will ensure no consequences for your friends, only their daughters. I will make more young men hope that I will bring them their manhood.
Relax, We Can’t Invoke the Twenty-Fifth Amendment Every Time a President Offers to Let an Enemy Bomb an American City
“President Trump, speaking at a campaign rally Monday, suggested ‘[Iran] can take out a city, let ’em take out Los Angeles, let ’em take out San Diego. This is a very small price to pay.’” — Los Angeles Times
An Excerpt from Jessica M. Goldstein’s Novel, Retro
- - -Longtime McSweeney’s contributor Jessica M. Goldstein’s novel Retro is about a struggling, out-of-work actress, Ash, who gets a job as a Time Travel Agent at a start-up that takes wealthy tourists on vacations to the past. Destination bachelorettes in the Wild West! “’20s for your twenties” birthday parties at Prohibition-era speakeasies! Concerts, sporting events, inaugurations, assassinations: Bygone America is just a Retro Metro ride away. It’s about misplaced nostalgia and dread for the future;
Welcome to Our Strip Mall
“Our strip mall has a Sears that only sells washing machines from 2004. Inside one of the washing machines is a secret entrance to the world’s last Charming
I Live in a Swing State and I Am Going to Need to See More Political Ads, Please
I am a citizen living in a swing state, and I need to see more political advertisements before deciding who to vote for. Many of my state’s federal elections are toss-ups. So for the last year, I have been advertised to every time I engage with media, front yards, billboards, bus stops, Tubi ad breaks, Tubi pause screens, Nextdoor posts, Facebook posts, Facebook Marketplace posts, radio stations, podcasts, PTA brunches, car bumpers, car windows, and in-person conversations. I’m here to tell you that it’s still not enough.
An Open Letter to Cornell University from the Mother of a Prospective Male Student
“An intense, public outcry over a woman’s account of being gang-raped at a Cornell University fraternity house prompted New York’s governor this week to angrily yank control of the investigation away from the local prosecutor who didn’t initially see what happened as a crime.” — A.P.
Grandpa Joe from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory Has Something to Say About This Massachusetts Lesbian Bar Situation
Hi, it’s me, Grandpa Joe from the 1971 film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I used my family’s food budget to sign up for high-speed internet, and I just learned about this controversy surrounding a lesbian bar in Western Massachusetts. I don’t really know what lesbians are. Are they like Oompa Loompas? Those orange nuisances better not sing a song about me, Grandpa Joe, being a freeloader, or I’ll kick one into a chocolate river.
A Forty-Two-Year-Old Man Checks the Score of a High School Football Game
You don’t have to do this. In fact, it would be a whole lot better for you if you didn’t do this. You have absolutely no connection to that place or the people who live there anymore. None of your family members have children who are on the high school football team. You don’t even have any high school friends with kids on the high school football team. You know this because you’ve already gone to the team website and looked at the roster. There’s not a single last name on it that you even recognize.
How Could Such a Thing Still Happen in a Country with a Frat Boy Supreme Court Justice?
I thought this kind of thing would surely no longer be happening. After the multiple waves of feminism, the #MeToo movement, and all that wokeness we did before it became cringe, we believed we’d progressed. Now here we are, back in this terrible place, just forty-one years after Brett Kavanaugh became a Delta Kappa Epsilon Deke, and eight years after his confirmation to the Supreme Court. How did we get here?
Nocturnal Listening
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest. - - -
My Trusted Royal Advisor, Conniving Worm Would Never Lead Me Astray
As the ruler of this fine kingdom, I must surround myself with only the most virtuous and wise minds as I navigate the daily demands of my position. That’s why I rely heavily on the counsel of my most trusted advisor, Conniving Worm.
An Open Letter to Senator Eric Schmitt About It Being Totally Okay Not to Know Anything About Sports
“Sen. Eric Schmitt (R-Mo.) is facing accusations he tried to launch a conspiracy tying former special counsel Jack Smith to others who prosecuted President Trump—a line of questioning that unwound when the senator apparently confused two basketball teams.” — The Hill
A Text to My Husband Upon My Conscription into a Rave
“I am willing, perfectly willing to lay down all my joys in this life.” — Union Major Sullivan Ballou - - -10:00 p.m. My Very Dear Husband, Indications are strong that we shall soon Uber to the superclub. Lest I have poor service or big drops to cheer, I feel it prudent to compose this text that will float to you in a blue bubble of tranquility while I am still sober and wide-eyed. Our experience may be two hours in duration and tolerable, or it may be eight hours of severe boredom if FISHER doesn’t take the stage until 1 a.m.
Announcing Cornell University’s Newest Writing Course: Rape Essays 101
“A New York prosecutor said Monday that he would reopen an investigation into accusations of a 2024 sexual assault at Cornell University… The lawsuit alleged that the seven accused fraternity members were given the opportunity to ‘mitigate their conduct by submitting essays to Cornell.’” — New York Times
Reviews of New Food: Chicken and Waffles Oreos
I’m an American, and as such, I believe in free and fair elections. Actually, let me dial that back. I used to believe in them, and I’d like to again. So when I heard the cookie perverts over at Oreo had launched their “Twist, Lick, Vote” campaign, I felt a long-dormant patriotic swell awaken in me. A heroic call to civic duty compelling me to make a decision that will impact the people of our country for potentially several weeks, until the next marketing gimmick comes along.
I’m Going to Have a Third Cup of Coffee, and I Need Everyone to Respect My Decision
To My Best Friend You will receive a midmorning text asking if you, too, have ever felt a sharp pain on the left side of your chest when flexing your right foot while seated. Your job is to assure me that you’ve had this same sensation many a time without consequence. In fact, it’s also happening to you right now, and you’re absolutely fine. To My Husband
How to Read Good or Maybe Great
Originally published in the near future. - - -Are you one of the last humans reading? You are rare. Appreciation! I wrote this—personally, with hands—to help the billions who don’t read to read good again. It’s painful, but with my technique, you can read entire sentences without requiring additional stimulus. Confused and irritated? Perfect. Those are crucial parts of the reading experience! Ever since I can remember, I stopped reading. My brain hurt. My eyes burned. And I lost money. All this, plus I kept falling asleep.
An Incredibly Chillaxed, School-Bus-Stop Hang with the Gen X Dad Who Keeps Putting Atlas Shrugged in Your Little Free Library
Well, if it isn’t the cool millennial parent who doesn’t believe in screaming at his kids. Good to see you again. It’s me, the Gen X dad who tells people he could have played college football within five minutes of meeting them. Grab a cold septuple IPA even though it’s only 8:27 a.m.
Fantasy Football Punishments for Your Work League That Violate the Geneva Convention
Loser runs a beer mile. This common league punishment sprints straight into Article 20, which stipulates that the movements of POWs must be conducted at least as humanely as the movements of your own side’s troops. Until everybody commits to chugging four Pabsts and heading to the local high school track, HR is definitely flagging this one. Loser takes the SAT. This is an edge case. Under the Third Geneva Convention, POWs can be forced to work, as long as the work is non-military in nature.
Our Edible Glue Is Not Edible
Consolidated Harvest Friends, LLC Interoffice Memorandum Not For Public Release Dear Executives, Executive Assistants, Interoffice Subordinates, and High-Value Shareholders—
“Charlie Brown Must Stay the Course”: A Football Kick Autopsy Report by the Democratic Party
“Senator Tammy Duckworth (D-IL) says Democrats should not impeach ‘anybody’ if they regain control of Congress … ‘I would rather move the ball forward’ to the benefit of the American people, and if we can do it in a way that allows him [Trump] to save face, and he doesn’t stop us, then that’s better for everybody all around.” – C-SPAN